To be Kathrine or not to be Kathrine

I'm in a pickle! I've created a monster, and she got me in trouble... help...

A surprise rant y’all! (I'm still tired, but I got inspired, plus I have a tiny event coming…)

What happens when you spend too much time living in your head? What if the thing you created in your head breaks into your real life?

Have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day? To put on daring clothes, go to a club where nobody knows you, act like you normally wouldn’t dare to act, say everything you want without facing consequences in your ‘real life’? Yeah? Sounds fun, huh? Think again…

So, some of y’all know Kathrine Elaine isn’t my real name. It’s also not entirely my normal behaviour. I’m much more shy in real life, and being Kathrine on Subsatck is kinda like putting on a superhero’s costume (I would prefer Batman!), and going into the night.

When I first started off, I didn’t know I’d allow Kathrine so much freedom. Fiction was what I did. Before I knew it, Kathrine showed her real nature in full. The freedom of living a ‘secret life’ is addictive! And extremely liberating. The rants I initially shared with my off-Stack writing buddies or with my husband, crept into my Notes, and into my posts as non-fiction. This came as a surprise - non-fiction gave my Stack a boost-like growth. So, Kathrine did what Kathrine does best - she spiced things up! Yeah, baby!

My online behaviour was and still is risky - some may find it alluring and refreshing, some might despise it, call it cheap attention bating. I can assure you, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Here’s the deal - this ‘Kathrine’, this non-existing persona has gotten me into trouble in ‘real life’. If you hang around Notes you may have seen my Note about how I got nominated as one of 11 finalists in a huge writing competition here in my homeland (Northeast EU). Cool, huh? So, where’s the catch? The competition is a part of a big prose writing festival. It means, less than a week from now (December 1st) I’ll have to get on a stage and read my short story out loud. Many lovely Substackers gave me advice on overcoming stage-fright, tips on public reading exercises, etc. I am grateful, but…

There’s a bigger problem. I applied as Kathrine. So, how do I go about this? The fact that I kinda know who’ll be there, and who hangs around the ‘high’ literary circles of my country doesn’t help. Those people are pretty ‘WOKE’. I’m not. Heck, I’ve had online beefs with them using my real name! I doubt they’ll recognise me though. Maybe. BUT THERE MIGHT BE PEOPLE WHO REALLY DO KNOW ME BY MY REAL NAME, because I’m an artist and artists hang around with writers. It’s a small country. Artistic folks hang around together. Fuck… and how am I supposed to go on stage announced as ‘Kathrine Elaine’, when people in the public might know I’m not?! Will I make an idiot out of myself?! What do I do now??! Help! I’ve created a monster…

Not just that… lately I’ve been thinking about Substack, writing, and, yeah, Kathrine-the-monster-I-created. Substack has changed. I can’t say if it’s for the best. Sometimes I feel teleported back to my (unfortunate) high school years. What?! I was a nerd! Cool kids’ club was a real thing. I see the same vibes emerging on Substack, I don’t like it. I’m obviously not in this ‘cool Stack club’, because I shamelessly ask the questions nobody wants to face. Plus I’m openly anti-woke. (Pssst, huddle up, kids! You want to make it on Fiction Substack? Yeah? Writing good fiction may not be enough. Just be nice! Don’t state your political or… any other opinion which might offend anybody! Whatever you do, don’t get into fights! Don’t offend anybody! Just don’t! Got it?! Don’t!). Of course, Substack grows, and that’s a good thing. For Substack. But I’m not sure if I want to be a part of this new Substack. I have no problem being an outcast, as long as I have some real friends. Luckily, I have them. Thank you, guys!

But lately I feel Substack is losing its meaning in my eyes. So, I have some serious thinking to do. To be Kathrine or not to be Kathrine? I know I want to write. Maybe publish another book. Substack serves as a promotional platform. It has some wonderful readers, and they’re the main reason I’m here. You hear that, guys?! I’m here for YOU! Not for some theoretical ‘community’, not for the likes or numbers. For the readers. And as long as you guys show up to read my stuff, Kathrine will be here to write, to entertain, to surprize, to shock, to flirt, to tell stories, yeah, to tell stories, so we can dream together for a while …