The Monster reader

Or how writing turns an open-minded reader into a monstrous know-it-all

*image taken from Canva.

Yees, another non-fiction rant. Ignore it if you prefer my fiction.

I used to be the perfect reader. Diligent, serious. I never DNF’ed. I never EVER read the end of the story before I got to it. I was repulsed by people who did that. I wasn’t too picky about the genre, or the style. I rarely skipped paragraphs or skimmed through the book superficially, just to get through (okay, maybe I did. Sorry Monsieur Proust!). But all in all, I was a reader every writer could wish for. An open-minded reader.

It was only after the writing bug bit me, that old bugger, when I slowly, but steadily turned into a judgmental, preachy, grumpy, obnoxious, picky know-it-all. An ol’ hag sitting on her porch, a one-eyed toothless witch who devours the precious writerly babies of gullible authors, just to chew the up and spit them out after mere few paragraphs. (Sheeesh, that came out kinda scary!).

Yes, as little as few paragraphs. It all began with a couple of beta-reads. I learned to be judgmental. To critique. Although I always tried to be constructive and kind, the process itself had left a mark on the way I perceive stories. BUT most of all I blame Substack. The damn variety of genres, the abundance of authors just waiting to be read. At times I felt like wandering around an all-you-can-eat buffet. Or an open bar. I got picky. And, oh boy, did it spoil my reading appetite!

Sometimes it feels like I could even make a list of everything that stops me from reading the story after the first paragraphs, because why force myself, if I can have something different on my plate after a couple of clicks? Hm… maybe I should make a list, just so you could marvel at my picky-ness?! Here goes, the stuff Monster reader doesn’t like on her fiction plate:

• First person POV, especially in fantasy. Even more so in spicy fantasy. I don’t want to be stuck in a horny male Fae’s head.

• First person POV that switches between characters. Why? Just… why? It’s confusing, and… why? Just write the damn thing in third person POV!

• First person present tense. Okay, I may settle for first person POV if it’s bloody brilliantly written, but not the present tense… why? It just irks me. To my bird brain it doesn’t feel like you’re telling me a story. On very rare occasions it works, but it’s so damn specific, it drives me nuts. My writing buddy (off Substack) writes military Sci-fi. Third person. Present tense. And it works, because the present tense creates that sense of urgency and suspense necessary for military Sci-fi. I don’t see the reason to use it in other cases. Why do writers choose present tense?! It kills the mood of storytelling!

• Switching between tenses without an obvious reason. If I don’t see the point in doing so, I take it as the writer’s incompetence.

• Super-lengthy introductions before the story (it’s a quirk I’ve seen on Substack). Just let me read the damn story already! Put the long explanations after it. If I have to scroll through your artistic bragging, sorry, I have better things to do.

• No explanations at all. I understand we’re artistic souls’n’stuff, but a short sentence in the subtitle like “a horror story” or “romance” wouldn’t hurt. I’m hesitant to read something called “Awakening” with a subtitle “eat my shorts y’all!” What is it? Give me a hint! Excite my appetite!

• Long info dumps. Yeah, if I have to go through paragraphs and paragraphs of your worldbuilding right from the start, I’ll pass. Give me somebody to root for, introduce me to your main character through some action or interaction. Then I can get to know the world you created, which might be amazing, but I want it to feel alive. Characters whom I can follow bring it to life sentence after sentence.

• Very graphic violence and gore. It’s a hard pass. Nope. Not for me.

• Very graphic sex scenes. I like sensual, but not graphic. I think too much physicality kills the romance. Don’t give me cringy genitalia descriptions! I know what goes where, sheeesh! (No “velvet steel” please!)

• Sex or violence for shock value. If it doesn’t advance the plot, it shouldn’t be there.

• Sexualizing children or young teens. No! Even in horror. I can’t read it. I just can’t.

• Purple prose. If it’s written pretty just to be pretty, I won’t get past those first paragraphs. By pretty I mean, the author marvelling over his own (farts!) wordsmithing skills, rather than telling a story.

• Primitive, infantile prose. Oh, dear! How many times have I seen authors abusing two-word-sentences, because it’s soooo edgy. And then the magic one-word-sentence put in a separate line: “ Fuck.” Aaaagghhhh stop it already! It’s not original! It’s not even funny anymore.

• Experimental/graphic prose. Two words on a blank page. The next page words placed in the shape of a banana. Not my thing! It might work for poetry.

• Absurd prose. “The dog wrote singing barnacles on a landslide tomorrow maybe.” Also, not my thing.

• Slow paced storytelling. If it puts me to sleep, I won’t read it obviously.

• Lack of logic. And here’s where I’m addressing my fellow horror writers. Yes, horror needs that hint of absurdity, but if you cross the line, it becomes comical and nonsensical. I need to understand it to believe it. The more logical the horror, the more it’s scaring me (and that’s good!). Yes, even zombies or werewolves can be written logically.

• Too much ambiguity. Dear authors! Make up your mind! I can’t stand it when the author writes - “maybe it was this or maybe not…” well, what was it then?! I can’t create an image in my head if the authors themselves cannot decide.

• Preachiness. I don’t need your political views oozing from your fictional story. Yes, you can’t escape what you are, but if the political/religious views are heavily contradicting mine, I just won’t read it. I am a conservative soul, so you can very well guess which worldviews I would not enjoy reading.

• Mangled plotline. If there’s too much random stuff going on in the story, especially if it just pops up without a hint or a warning previously.

• Variations on the Bible, fantasy involving swearing angels and demons, gods and goddesses. But I might read variations on myths if they’re done with respect to the source material.

• A good premise done badly. If I can imagine a way to tell the story better than the author. I obviously have to read the whole story to tell. If I’m in a patient mood, I might finish reading it. But if I can imagine a better storyline for the given premise, I won’t be reading a lot from this author.

• Anything “FAE”. Or other super worn-out, tired, basic ideas. Not classic! Let’s not get them mixed up. There are classic ideas, which never get old, and there are the trendy ones, over-used because one author got lucky some years ago.

• Modern swearing/modern slang in classic, medieval fantasy. Noooo, kills the vibe for me instantly.

• Unpronounceable character names (especially in fantasy). If your Ayerkhyiah keeps bugging me every two sentences, I might stop reading it.

So, there you have it. The portrait of a picky fiction reader. Terrible, I know. But just imagine - each and every reader have their own preferences. Their own taste. And for him/her to like your writing, these two components need to align. To find your loyal reader is a gift! It shouldn’t be taken for granted! Be grateful for every reader you get, because the chances of you two meeting through the pages of your writing and finding mutual understanding and love, are not huge. Not because your writing isn’t good, no, you can be bloody brilliant, but the competition is massive. There are hundreds of brilliant writers on Substack alone. To find your reader is a treasure. Be grateful.

My reading preferences are just my own rotten taste. If you write first person POV present tense, it’s not wrong or right. If it comes naturally, go with your gut! I may not be your reader, but someone else might be. Same goes to everything written above. I just wanted to illustrate how writing has destroyed the good reader in me. How picky and weird the readers might be, and how cool it is to find at least one reader who loves your writing. It’s worth to go on with writing, even if just for that one person.

P.s. This rant was inspired by my wanderings around Substack in search of something meaty and juicy to read. Then I wrote this flash fiction about the process:

The monster reader

How much are you willing to give? Will you bleed your words out for me? I want to see your heart stripped bare in these lines! Ripped out of the cozy, dark cobweb-covered corner you hide it in. Don’t give me your therapy, don’t give me your graphomaniac fits, I don’t want word-salad and I don’t want word-porn. Tell me the story that sizzles on your fingertips, make it burn a hole in my soul. May it be bleeding-raw or well-done, don’t give me the safe medium-rare. Tell me a story, feed the monster reader!