There are sprinkled truths in this. As for being too political, one can definitely read it clearly, however the choice lay with you whether you are willing to take the heat should it ever offend anyone, even if this is just a story. People are quick to anger in this day and age. I long for the days of old where you could have really well exchanged interactions but then again in real life I like to play the observer.
I did get derailed a bit with the time jump from when Erin got back from Mr Hill's home to suddenly being in the office and going back there again.
Also, this line made me chuckle a bit: Maybe this was a squatter pretending to be Mr. Hill?
Yeah, the heat... I know this might cost me some subs. Other than that, since I’m not wildly popular here on Substack, I don’t think this will spark an active political debate.😅 The perks of being ‘small’...☺️
Yes, I tend to ‘jump’ all over time and space. I’ll have to work on scene transitions.
Thank you for reading! And thank you for the feedback! 🩶
I didn't think you were that small since I see you quite active but yeah in the bigger part of substack you are most likely right.
I also do find myself being more critical of myself now I have readers, who knew it was this hard. But I try my best to shrug it off or I loose my purpose being here.
Oh, why did it end?! I was so engrossed. I need to know moreee. Part 2 soon, please!!
Good writing, Kat! The story flows smoothly except for one point that Ika has already mentioned. The characters are well-written. I could feel the tension when Erin and Dustin met. About being controversial, I like this about you - you speak what you wish to speak and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Keep writing, Kathrine. You have readers who follow and appreciate your content.
Kathrine this is so good! I need to know more about Dustin and his past. I would love to see him and Erin build that relationship and watch him slowly tell her his story.
I think you should definitely keep writing. You are talented writer, with a far-ranging imagination and a fantastic ability to come up with amazing characters that kind of get stuck in the reader's brain. Please don't give it up!
I think I might be too old to notice, but I didn't see anything offensive in this piece. I suspect the political correctness movement will settle down someday. I've been getting notes from the group my doctor works with, wanting to know if I wish to be referred to as "he," "she," or "they" - frankly, I don't care how someone labels me, I'm just me! My fil is a retired professor, and he was totally outraged when his doctor referred to him as "they" in a medical report - not because of political reasons, but because he thought mixing singulars and plurals like that made a shambles of the English language.
Anyway, bottom line, I'm just a lowly reader, but I think your work is good and enjoyable and you should not quit. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Certainly kept my attention, well done! Probably needs a little fine tuning, but it’s well written. As far as the content goes, write what you want to see. Personally, I don’t mind politics if it’s well incorporated into the story. What I don’t like is when it’s entered in unnecessarily. Putting it in there simply to make a statement can be distracting from the overall story. But that’s entirely my personal preference.
I definitely agree that you should continue. The story hooked me. There's a lot of potential in terms of how it could be developed.
As for controversy, I don't think there's anything inherently offensive here--except for someone who is trying to be offended.
That said, there are a few spots where I think more subtlety in in order. For example,
“Well, it doesn’t really matter in this day and age, does it, sweety?! There are tons of good ones. And we’ve already taken up a white middle-aged writer this month. Now we need people of colour. Equity, sweetheart! We have to give equal opportunities to the marginalized! Besides, the white have enjoyed their privilege long enough. What did they teach you in college?!”
I can easily imagine someone thinking this, but would someone--even Suzanne--really be this blunt in a professional situation? It might be better to let Suzanne's remarks be a little more euphemistic or vague and let the readers figure out the implication of what she's saying. Erin's thoughts can also drop hints. Much as I think the distinction between showing and telling is overworked sometimes, it may be somewhat applicable here. The same is true when Erin thinks about Judy's limited intelligence. More of that could be carried by what Judy does than what Erin thinks.
One other thing--unless I'm channeling Henry James too much--is that I wonder at times about Erin's reliability as a narrator. She jumps to the conclusion that "Whatever it takes," means have sex with Hill. We all know there was a time when it might have, and no doubt, it still happens occasionally. But if the office really works that way, why is Erin so sure the other agents are viewing her as a whore later? If that's the way the office works, surely, they'd all have been exposed to that before and probably suspect that it wasn't her idea. And if that's the way the office works, and that's the way the other agents really are, since she points out at one point that she hasn't had time to build a career yet, why hasn't she quit and moved on to something else? Is part of this just her perception? Either way, is there a reason why she feels trapped in this job? Maybe entry-level jobs are scarce. One or two sentences might be all you need to give her a plausible motive for staying in what seems like a horrible position.
Or am I just being too picky? It's been known to happen....
You’re right. Suzanne was a bit too open about this... though I believe there are some who have no problem saying what she said. Also, yes, I have to think about Erin’s motivation. One reason appears in the next installment of the story - she really needs the money because she rents this good place with her boyfriend, and them living together means a lot to her. He doesn’t make that much. Another reason she wants to succeed I mentioned, she as a rookie would never have gotten the job if she wasn’t Asian. It’s a good opportunity to build career. In my head it wasn’t common to use sex as a way to get things done, but this was a special case. I want her to start feeling the pressure working there. Hm... I’ll definitely think about this. Thank you!🩶
Yes, there are a good many things which could be made more subtle and would thus be more powerful. I would change the line 'unbuttoning her blouse' and leave off the 'revealing cleavage'. I think it is more powerful to leave that implied.
The same thing with the number of times she repeats 'whatever it takes'.
I think her motivation could be worked on. We just get the repetition of 'suceeds' and 'novice', and nothing more solid. Nothing about her love of literature etc.
I was into this. It moved with a great clip and I'm genuinely really curious to know if this guy is a real creep or not. The writing is crisp and not overbearing and I like the commentary on the contemporary writing industry (though as a white gay man, I don't know if that's offensive or empowering...). I want more of this for sure, but I am curious to see if it slips into a 50 Shades-style scenario or if you have other plans. Overall, great stuff and I'm ready for more!
Aw, thanks. It’s just what I’ve seen in the trad publishing guidelines which baffled me - there are many agents/publishers who specifically point out that they want only authors reprezenting marginalized groups. I understand if it’s queer literature they want, but no - just the authors to be from these groups. I don’t get it. I think the quality of the writing itself should be the main criteria. Sounds terrible, but if I lied and told them I’m queer, would they take my work into consideration then? I’m not doing it, of course, I’m not a liar.
There are sprinkled truths in this. As for being too political, one can definitely read it clearly, however the choice lay with you whether you are willing to take the heat should it ever offend anyone, even if this is just a story. People are quick to anger in this day and age. I long for the days of old where you could have really well exchanged interactions but then again in real life I like to play the observer.
I did get derailed a bit with the time jump from when Erin got back from Mr Hill's home to suddenly being in the office and going back there again.
Also, this line made me chuckle a bit: Maybe this was a squatter pretending to be Mr. Hill?
Yeah, the heat... I know this might cost me some subs. Other than that, since I’m not wildly popular here on Substack, I don’t think this will spark an active political debate.😅 The perks of being ‘small’...☺️
Yes, I tend to ‘jump’ all over time and space. I’ll have to work on scene transitions.
Thank you for reading! And thank you for the feedback! 🩶
One idea I've seen with transitions is putting in a line divider or something to signify a transition.
-----------
It sort of looks like the writer is starting a new chapter or something, but makes it clear that time has passed.
I like to use that too now. Maybe Elaine could do this too. But it is her prerogative of course to choose how she presents her story.
I didn't think you were that small since I see you quite active but yeah in the bigger part of substack you are most likely right.
I also do find myself being more critical of myself now I have readers, who knew it was this hard. But I try my best to shrug it off or I loose my purpose being here.
Oh, why did it end?! I was so engrossed. I need to know moreee. Part 2 soon, please!!
Good writing, Kat! The story flows smoothly except for one point that Ika has already mentioned. The characters are well-written. I could feel the tension when Erin and Dustin met. About being controversial, I like this about you - you speak what you wish to speak and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Keep writing, Kathrine. You have readers who follow and appreciate your content.
Kathrine this is so good! I need to know more about Dustin and his past. I would love to see him and Erin build that relationship and watch him slowly tell her his story.
I think you should definitely keep writing. You are talented writer, with a far-ranging imagination and a fantastic ability to come up with amazing characters that kind of get stuck in the reader's brain. Please don't give it up!
I think I might be too old to notice, but I didn't see anything offensive in this piece. I suspect the political correctness movement will settle down someday. I've been getting notes from the group my doctor works with, wanting to know if I wish to be referred to as "he," "she," or "they" - frankly, I don't care how someone labels me, I'm just me! My fil is a retired professor, and he was totally outraged when his doctor referred to him as "they" in a medical report - not because of political reasons, but because he thought mixing singulars and plurals like that made a shambles of the English language.
Anyway, bottom line, I'm just a lowly reader, but I think your work is good and enjoyable and you should not quit. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Thank you so much for the feedback! ❤️
You're very welcome. 😊
I say yay - write on! I want to know what happens next...
Certainly kept my attention, well done! Probably needs a little fine tuning, but it’s well written. As far as the content goes, write what you want to see. Personally, I don’t mind politics if it’s well incorporated into the story. What I don’t like is when it’s entered in unnecessarily. Putting it in there simply to make a statement can be distracting from the overall story. But that’s entirely my personal preference.
Thank you for reading it, and for the feedback!🩶
Sure thing! Can’t wait to read what’s next!
I definitely agree that you should continue. The story hooked me. There's a lot of potential in terms of how it could be developed.
As for controversy, I don't think there's anything inherently offensive here--except for someone who is trying to be offended.
That said, there are a few spots where I think more subtlety in in order. For example,
“Well, it doesn’t really matter in this day and age, does it, sweety?! There are tons of good ones. And we’ve already taken up a white middle-aged writer this month. Now we need people of colour. Equity, sweetheart! We have to give equal opportunities to the marginalized! Besides, the white have enjoyed their privilege long enough. What did they teach you in college?!”
I can easily imagine someone thinking this, but would someone--even Suzanne--really be this blunt in a professional situation? It might be better to let Suzanne's remarks be a little more euphemistic or vague and let the readers figure out the implication of what she's saying. Erin's thoughts can also drop hints. Much as I think the distinction between showing and telling is overworked sometimes, it may be somewhat applicable here. The same is true when Erin thinks about Judy's limited intelligence. More of that could be carried by what Judy does than what Erin thinks.
One other thing--unless I'm channeling Henry James too much--is that I wonder at times about Erin's reliability as a narrator. She jumps to the conclusion that "Whatever it takes," means have sex with Hill. We all know there was a time when it might have, and no doubt, it still happens occasionally. But if the office really works that way, why is Erin so sure the other agents are viewing her as a whore later? If that's the way the office works, surely, they'd all have been exposed to that before and probably suspect that it wasn't her idea. And if that's the way the office works, and that's the way the other agents really are, since she points out at one point that she hasn't had time to build a career yet, why hasn't she quit and moved on to something else? Is part of this just her perception? Either way, is there a reason why she feels trapped in this job? Maybe entry-level jobs are scarce. One or two sentences might be all you need to give her a plausible motive for staying in what seems like a horrible position.
Or am I just being too picky? It's been known to happen....
You’re right. Suzanne was a bit too open about this... though I believe there are some who have no problem saying what she said. Also, yes, I have to think about Erin’s motivation. One reason appears in the next installment of the story - she really needs the money because she rents this good place with her boyfriend, and them living together means a lot to her. He doesn’t make that much. Another reason she wants to succeed I mentioned, she as a rookie would never have gotten the job if she wasn’t Asian. It’s a good opportunity to build career. In my head it wasn’t common to use sex as a way to get things done, but this was a special case. I want her to start feeling the pressure working there. Hm... I’ll definitely think about this. Thank you!🩶
And I'll be looking forward to seeing what comes next! Whatever it is is bound to be interesting.
Yes, there are a good many things which could be made more subtle and would thus be more powerful. I would change the line 'unbuttoning her blouse' and leave off the 'revealing cleavage'. I think it is more powerful to leave that implied.
The same thing with the number of times she repeats 'whatever it takes'.
I think her motivation could be worked on. We just get the repetition of 'suceeds' and 'novice', and nothing more solid. Nothing about her love of literature etc.
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, that I should expand, Erin’s own attitude toward books.
I was into this. It moved with a great clip and I'm genuinely really curious to know if this guy is a real creep or not. The writing is crisp and not overbearing and I like the commentary on the contemporary writing industry (though as a white gay man, I don't know if that's offensive or empowering...). I want more of this for sure, but I am curious to see if it slips into a 50 Shades-style scenario or if you have other plans. Overall, great stuff and I'm ready for more!
Aw, thanks. It’s just what I’ve seen in the trad publishing guidelines which baffled me - there are many agents/publishers who specifically point out that they want only authors reprezenting marginalized groups. I understand if it’s queer literature they want, but no - just the authors to be from these groups. I don’t get it. I think the quality of the writing itself should be the main criteria. Sounds terrible, but if I lied and told them I’m queer, would they take my work into consideration then? I’m not doing it, of course, I’m not a liar.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading it!🩶