All the Substackers I hate
If you don’t need a heavy dose of negativity with no humour sprinkled in - don’t read this!
*image provided by Canva. Just because…
This is not to be taken seriously, this is a joke, though they say there’s a tiny bit of truth hidden in every joke.
I’ve been hanging around the ‘Stack for almost a year, seems a good enough reason to reflect on the different kinds of annoying stackers that I’ve seen here. What’s the point? Well, what’s the point of looking into the mirror? Don’t get me wrong, I’m no better and I could use a good honest ass-whippin’ myself…
So, here are the groups of Substackers I love to hate (in a nonsensical order):
The cash-grabbers - they know how to make your Substack work! For sure! Just make that awesome paid subscription and - boom! Your stack’ll grow with the speed of a friggin’ bamboo. All their posts are about writing, stack’ hacks and money. Bleh.
The frauds - a kind offer to subscribe for a return subscription placed discreetly in your DM’s. A very few original works of their own, and even those make me question their writing skills. Mostly, it’s rehashing someone else’s articles, adorable online stories (mostly about animals!), someone else’s art, etc. Animal pics from the net. Something which you can’t dislike, it’s a sure win.
The animal-ists - harmless, but annoying. Posting the pics of their fine furry friends on any occasion, because look at the cute doggo! If I want pet pics I go to FB…no Petstack, please!
The whiny wannabies - they’re so lonely, nobody reads their stuff, rejections upon rejections, life sucks, the writer’s block is killing them, what’s the point of existence… only your paid subscription could save them! Or any subscription! A comment? A tiny “like” perhaps? Pretty please?
The feisty attention seekers - always up for an argument, anything to get attention on their opinion. Caution: tend to get aggressive!
The copycopycopycats - hey, something’s trending?! Got a huge reaction? Let’s do it! Sometimes unintentionally, but mostly – they know what they’re doing.
The gentle gurus - they’ll go gentle, just love yourself, let’s do some itsy bitsy gentle reading/writing, just don’t strain yourself with deep ideas and nerve-racking emotions. Be gentle. They know how tough it is to write, breathe and live. So, be gentle to yourself. Do you understand? Gentle is the key word. Gentle… gentle… gentle…
The modern witches - love Tarot? Gentle spells? Crystals always help, darling! I’ll do a reading for you, clearly you need it, just a paid subscription and $ 20.99. Let’s make flower circles, let’s cleanse our homes with burnt juniper bunches, it always helps to make those pesky negative energies go away…
The picture-perfect ones - everything has to be perfect. Instagram-worthy even if they’re not on insta. The-5-o-clock-am-gentle-awakening-with-a-candle-and-a-herbal-tea writers with recycled wooden desks and arrangement that would make Pinterest cry tears of joy… oh, and the cable-knit jumper in a soft pastel hue! Too bad the writing is only surface-level deep, but – hey - what a perfect surface!
The community builders - they’ll uplift the small, the marginalized, the newbies… how exactly? I don’t know, but as long as it brings in at least 1k subs they’ll keep feeding people with those sweet promises….
The cool kids’ club - a bunch of pre-existing established writing buddies blowing up each other’s assess, quoting and restacking every two lines of the other one’s newest piece. Even very boring lines. Dude, not every line is a masterpiece, especially when taken out of the context. It’s kinda embarrassing to see…
The number counters - yes, most stackers cannot resist the temptation to show off their numbers or the lack of them publicly on Notes. You say you want to thank the subs? Bullshit! Do it directly in your newsletter addressed to them. Why do it in public? Ask yourself! The ones showing their 99 or 338 and begging to make it a round number are no better. It makes me sad, really. Keep your dignity, man!
The political-activists - no comment. Whatever side they’re on, absolutely annoying.
The graphic simpletons - hey, see this simple and absolutely cliché phrase? Ama write it on a paper note or on a huge paper or on my face with a black marker and it’ll break the “like” records. A friggin’ gold mine.
The trauma-writers - they had it rough and for some reason everybody should know it. Maybe it helps the first time, but if it happens on a regular basis, it raises a lot of questions. If you rip your wounds open again and again, it’ll never heal. And why do it? For the validation? For praise - oh you’re so brave! Yes, the first time you were brave, but after the fifth post of trauma-writing it’s not courage, it’s self-harm.
The what-the-fuck-is-this?- or rather -how-the-fuck-can-this-have-2k-subs?!
Yes, yes, yes, I’m an envious old bitch who dumps her bad mood on your heads like a pile of dog doodoo. Yes, I’m sure as hell am spreading negativity. Yes, you shouldn’t have read this shite, and actually I probably shouldn’t have written it in the first place.
But…in truth I wouldn’t want Substack to be any different. The freedom to express ourselves however we want is what makes Substack so good. All of us are welcomed here - the hard-workers and the slackers, the procrastinators and the everyday-posters, the lazy-ass whiners, and the know-it-alls. You beautiful beautiful bunch of annoying nerds, I hate you and I love you from the bottom of my dark little heart!🩶
P.s. I would put myself in the whiny wannabe category, so I don’t think I’m better than any of these.
…more fun (or not!) stuff like this…
Leaves the room quietly, closing the door softly. 😳🤔🫨
This is everything I didn't know I needed to read tonight....and then there was "what the fuck is this and how can it have 2k subs" and I almost spit out my tea.